So, it's been awhile since I've wrote to you. I'm not really sure why, I just think I decided it was best to keep things bottled up inside. I was looking back at what I wrote you the last time, and thank God I'm in a much better place than I was then. I've come a long way from the mistakes I made after Mom died. In many ways, I'm surprised I'm even still alive. I thank God for saving me from that and for helping me through it.

I know you and Mom would LOVE to see Kensley right now. She is growing so fast. Different things she says will remind me of you or Mom. Just little things that make me think you must be trying to speak through her, or at least let me know that you're watching over me.

Life has been hectic, financially and health-wise. I know I'll get through it, it's just always tough. You know that probably more than anyone. I just wish that I had you around at times like this so I could get your advice on what to do and wouldn't feel so alone. Amanda tries to reassure me, which helps, but I still wish you could be here to give me advice and help me along the way.

I have to say, though, that in the midst of everything, I am SO blessed. I have a beautiful family, a great job (even if it can be frustrating at times) and great friends. Even on my worse days, I am blessed - and I am grateful for that.

Gotta go for now, but I will talk to you soon. I love you!

I'm honestly not even sure where to begin. The last time I wrote to you, Kensley wasn't even born yet. Mom was going through health problems and everything was just crazy.

Obviously, you know what's happened since then. My daughter is beautiful, amazing, and is the light of my life. When I walk in the door from work, she smiles and says "dada" and it's the best feeling in the world. Honestly, dad, without her, I don't know what I'd do.

This year has been terrible for me. I know Mom was ready to go be with you (tell her I said hi and I love her!). I wish that I could be there with both of you. I need you both really bad right now. I know it's not time for me to be with you because I've got a little girl of my own to raise first. I'm trying dad...I really am.

It's just that it seems like everyone keeps going home, and the more that go home, the less strength I have to keep going. It's not like I've lost my faith - in fact, my faith is stronger than ever. I may not act the way I should..but I know that God hears me and knows what I'm going through.

I'm grateful for everything you and mom taught me while you were here. I never imagined that I would be without my parents at 26. But I'm glad that I took in as much as I could from you both while you were here.

I'm not sure if I'm going to make it, Dad. I get so weak and just wanna go home...like I said, I'm trying...but I don't know how much more I can take. You both reminded me of how much I was loved. The more people that loved me that go home, the less I can take it.

How did you handle this? When your parents were both gone? I know you went awhile without them. But you were so close to your siblings and Mom's family too. I guess that would help. Candi and I have gotten a little closer since Mom died, but I can tell she is taking it just as hard as I am.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make this depressing. I am very happy for you and for mom that you are both no longer in pain. I'm not sure how all this works or if there's a processing line or something in heaven but if you haven't already you'll be seeing Aunt Linda soon. I'm sure it is a relief for her to no longer be in pain, but again, it's one more loss for our family.

I'm not sure how much more this family can take. You, mom, Linda, you were all rocks in this family. I feel like everything is fading away. I wish I had words to say to Sabrina and Michelle, but I'm still trying to deal with the loss of Mom and still you. Even if I know you're better off, that doesn't mean that I am better off. I guess it's a little selfish of me...okay, very selfish...but I'm just not sure what to do.

I'm trying to keep going..I need a lot of strength. I keep praying, but I feel so lonely. Even with everyone around me. I feel bad for Amanda, because she just doesn't have any idea what to do for me. I know she loves me and is trying, but she just doesn't know because she's never been through this. Although, even with as many times as I've been through this, I still don't know how to handle it.

I just want to be able to be okay for Kensley...I know she needs her dad alive and well for many, many years. I hope that happens.

I can't imagine what it was like when you saw Mom again after all this time. I picture it being like in the picture I have when you were younger. Yours was the greatest love story I've ever known, and now it has its happy ending. One day soon I'll be up there with you guys..save a place for me and ask God to give me some strength until I get there.

I love you!

New Beginnings

I know it's been awhile...a lot has changed, mostly for the good, some for the bad. I know you were there the day Amanda and I got married. We heard the bird chirping from the time we arrived to the time we left. Everyone knew that it was a sign from God that you were there in spirit...

That was two years ago, and now we're expecting a little girl of our own. I often wonder what advice you would give me to get ready for her. I know you and mom tried for many years before you had me, which makes me feel blessed to get this opportunity so early in life. I just want to raise her like you raised me, Candi, and Jamie. You always showed us your love and we knew that even when you were disappointed in us, you still loved us no matter what.

The one thing I keep coming back to is how soon you left us. I know you had no say in when it was time to go so I don't blame you...it still hurts though. It's given me the inspiration though to make sure I do whatever I can to make sure I'm healthy enough that, if it's up to me, I can stay here and watch my little girl grow up, get married, and have kids of her own. I want to be here for all of that and so much more...

If things happen the way I think they do, then you've probably already met your granddaughter before it was time for her to come to this world. I may be wrong, but I'd like to believe that's true and that a little part of you will live on in her. I wish you could be here to see her when she arrives...I wish you could be here to help mom through her illness and all the trouble she's having...I wish you could be here to help me, because Lord knows I need the help...

I'll just keep relying on the lessons you taught me when you were here...the lessons in the Bible you taught me to read and depend on...and the advice that mom gives me while she's here. I love you, Dad...and I can't wait to see you again.

3/3/2007

Well, it has been a while since I've written. For February being a shortened month, it sure seemed like a long one.

I signed a lease today for an apartment with a friend of mine. I'm finally going to college (full time!) I sent off my paperwork to get it started yesterday. I am so excited because I'll finally be back on the right track. Now, I just have to manage to survive until then. Since they cut my hours it's been hard to pay the bills and everything. But I know I'll survive - God always provides for our needs.

I saw Mom and Candi yesterday. Amanda and I went to eat with them at a pizza place. It was really nice to get to spend time with my family. When I go off to college in the fall, I'm coming back to stay at Mom's every weekend. I looked at attached garage to see how to fix it up. I plan on going back up there sometime this next week to start sorting through the stuff in the garage and see what can be thrown away and what needs to be kept. I'm actually excited about it. Which is strange...haha. I'm normally never excited about cleaning anything. Oh well, it needs to be done and it's about time I learned how to do all that stuff.

It's about time for me to go to work. I will write again soon, though. I love you!!

2/6/2007

I have been feeling your presence a lot lately. For some reason, I've had this sudden rush of memories. Memories of happier times. I know I can't return to those times, but I know that one day, I will see you again and we'll have even happier times than before.

I keep your photograph by my computer, since that's where I am most when I'm home. Amanda took a picture of you and me and put it in a picture frame. I also have your work badge sitting right beside it. You know, it's funny because you were right on about what would happen there. If only they had listened to you, huh? =)

I haven't been up to see Jamie in a while. Mom said that they are considering him for early release, but they have to see that he's close with his family. Mom talks to him as often as she can afford to on the phone, and I know she just went up and visited him recently. Hopefully I'll get to go up and see him soon.

I wish I could get out of this funk I'm in. I feel like there's a wall placed in between me and where I'm meant to be, and I can't figure a way out. I do feel like God is trying to show me a way out, but I can't seem to find it.

I just keep holding on to the faith you taught me. If there's one thing I learned most from you, it was to keep on going, even when it seemed impossible. Dad, I never once saw you give up. When you had to quit something, I knew it was because you really weren't feeling good. I know I should have stepped up and been more helpful...and if I could go back and change that, you know that I would.

You worked so hard to provide for Mom and Jamie and Candi and me...and even Peanut :) I hope that one day, I can be just like you. There's nothing in this world I want more than to be able to be just like the best man in my life.

I am going to try to rest for a while. I've been having trouble sleeping lately because of the constant flow of memories and thoughts and stress. I know God is always here for me, and I know you're watching, too. I hope that I am making you proud, Dad. I hope that the choices I make from this point forward will be ones that you would approve of. And most of all, I hope that one day, my child will look up to me like I looked up (and still look up) to you.

I love you, Dad. =)

2/2/2007

I went up and visited Mom (and Grace and Suzi Q) yesterday. She was doing really good. They all were. The finances get a bit rough sometimes, but I know God will provide for her, just as He's been doing for me.

I found out that I get one more day of work next week. That will help a lot with the bills coming due. I'm still trying to find a job, but there's just not a lot available right now. I know that God will provide, though.

Amanda's great-grandmother isn't doing so well right now. She has been sick for quite a while, and now she is in the hospital. I'm getting ready to go over and sit with Amanda and make sure she's okay. She's never lost anyone close to her, except Susie from church. I know how hard it can be...so I want to make sure someone's there for her.

I will write you more in a little while. There's a lot of things that I have been thinking about, and I know you can help me. I also know that God is right here with me always, so I'm never alone. That helps tremendously. Thank you so much for everything you gave me while you were here. I will never forget that, and I will never forget you.

I love you, Dad. Always. And Forever. =)

1/31/2007

It's been over ten years since I've seen you, talked to you, heard from you. Over ten years since I last visited your hospital room. If I had known that night would be the last time I'd see you, I would never have left. I know you've probably kept up with everything going on in my life, and I'm sure that in some ways, you're disappointed. But I hope that by now, I've made you proud.

I have a job where I've always wanted to work. It's kinda funny - Candi and I used to want you and mom to change the station...now I'm working there. Nothing's like I thought it would be, but honestly, I wouldn't trade it for anything (except for maybe working at 650AM). Thanks to you, I know a lot more about the classics - and really, country music in general - than most of the other people my age.

The music is different now...actually, a lot of things have changed. I guess it's natural for things to change, but that doesn't always make it easy. It was hard adjusting to life once you left. I've hit a few bumps on my road - none that I'm proud of, but at least I feel like I'm stronger for them.

I should be almost done with college - instead, I still have over 3 years left. I can't figure out what to do...part of me says to just stay around here and try to get a degree. The other part says to go to Ball State and get a degree. That would help me in my job, but I'd be over an hour away from mom.

I don't get to see her as often as I'd like. I never should have moved out. At least she has Candi and the kids there - man, are they hyper. And the new poodle - Suzi Q. She reminded me a lot of Peanut when I found her. I know she was a lot of money, but I couldn't pass her up.

Mom hasn't shown it much, but I know that Suzie dying has taken a toll on her. It's taken one on me, too. It's hard when the people you are close to keep leaving. I know it's not up to you guys, it's up to God. And I know you are so much better off now. But it still makes it hard for us.

I know you, grandma, and now Suzie are watching over us. I can't wait till the day we all get to see each other again and I can finally meet your mom and dad. I can tell from the things I've learned from letters and everything that they really counted on you - I hope I can be that way for mom, too.

I know there were a lot of things I should have done when you were still around...and I'm sorry. I wish I hadn't been so lazy, so selfish. I know it wouldn't have kept you from leaving, but at least I'd be able to have more peace about it. It's been so hard dealing with everything, but I'm hopeful that things will start looking up.

This all may seem scattered, but that's the way my mind has been lately. I've always been a pretty random person, but at least before, I was able to reign it all in. Now, it just kinda comes and goes on its own. Somedays, I feel like I've completely lost control - but then I remember that I was never in control to begin with. Thankfully, God has been there all along the way, even when I thought I was so far off the path that I couldn't be forgiven. Thank you for instilling that faith in me while you were still here.

Well, I need to get back to work. Tell grandma and Trish and Suzie and all of our family members I said "Hi"!

I love you, Dad.