It's been over ten years since I've seen you, talked to you, heard from you. Over ten years since I last visited your hospital room. If I had known that night would be the last time I'd see you, I would never have left. I know you've probably kept up with everything going on in my life, and I'm sure that in some ways, you're disappointed. But I hope that by now, I've made you proud.
I have a job where I've always wanted to work. It's kinda funny - Candi and I used to want you and mom to change the station...now I'm working there. Nothing's like I thought it would be, but honestly, I wouldn't trade it for anything (except for maybe working at 650AM). Thanks to you, I know a lot more about the classics - and really, country music in general - than most of the other people my age.
The music is different now...actually, a lot of things have changed. I guess it's natural for things to change, but that doesn't always make it easy. It was hard adjusting to life once you left. I've hit a few bumps on my road - none that I'm proud of, but at least I feel like I'm stronger for them.
I should be almost done with college - instead, I still have over 3 years left. I can't figure out what to do...part of me says to just stay around here and try to get a degree. The other part says to go to Ball State and get a degree. That would help me in my job, but I'd be over an hour away from mom.
I don't get to see her as often as I'd like. I never should have moved out. At least she has Candi and the kids there - man, are they hyper. And the new poodle - Suzi Q. She reminded me a lot of Peanut when I found her. I know she was a lot of money, but I couldn't pass her up.
Mom hasn't shown it much, but I know that Suzie dying has taken a toll on her. It's taken one on me, too. It's hard when the people you are close to keep leaving. I know it's not up to you guys, it's up to God. And I know you are so much better off now. But it still makes it hard for us.
I know you, grandma, and now Suzie are watching over us. I can't wait till the day we all get to see each other again and I can finally meet your mom and dad. I can tell from the things I've learned from letters and everything that they really counted on you - I hope I can be that way for mom, too.
I know there were a lot of things I should have done when you were still around...and I'm sorry. I wish I hadn't been so lazy, so selfish. I know it wouldn't have kept you from leaving, but at least I'd be able to have more peace about it. It's been so hard dealing with everything, but I'm hopeful that things will start looking up.
This all may seem scattered, but that's the way my mind has been lately. I've always been a pretty random person, but at least before, I was able to reign it all in. Now, it just kinda comes and goes on its own. Somedays, I feel like I've completely lost control - but then I remember that I was never in control to begin with. Thankfully, God has been there all along the way, even when I thought I was so far off the path that I couldn't be forgiven. Thank you for instilling that faith in me while you were still here.
Well, I need to get back to work. Tell grandma and Trish and Suzie and all of our family members I said "Hi"!
I love you, Dad.
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